Fresh approach
Looking back at last year, there simply are no words, no actions... nothing to explain it. By far the worst year of my life! After the last transfer failed Mr. S and I were both done. We honestly had no wind left in our sail. But, some how we still managed to stand together.
I felt VERY strongly that I would NOT be doing another round. I was done. I was ready to adopt, Mr. S said from word go that he wasn't for adoption, something I have always felt I would do in life and I am certain I still will. Which is fine and I need to respect his feelings, this is a forever commitment so we both need to be 100% committed. As much as I understood his feelings towards adoption I also really needed him to understand I would not go on. Which he did. I was very keen on surrogacy which shocked Mr. S a little. For me carrying my own child, at this point, was the least of my worries. I did not care how I got my baby, as long as we got a healthy little baba is all I cared about. I looked online, spoke to a very good friend of mine who was actually a surrogate and got all the details. Mr. S urged me that we needed to just go on holiday in December, recoup and come back and then look at all our options, which made complete sense. In the interim though we did agree we needed a second opinion. I was NOT going back to Dr. B! I had made up my mind.
Late in 2016 I was at work when things were quieting down ahead of the festive season and I was doing research on fertility specialists, but I really wasn't looking for just another fertility specialist. I was looking for someone that would look further! Someone that would realise I have something wrong, something my gyane, Dr. A and Dr. B didn't pick up. I was researching, chatting to a few friends, and at that very moment Mr. S's cousin (who at this stage I had met and seen her a handful of times in the last 11 years), messaged me on Facebook. She explained that she hoped she wasn't over stepping her bounds, respecting how private we were about our treatment but she really wanted to send me details for a fertility specialist that friends of hers had gone to, and they had been through a similar process to what we had been through. Now if this is not a sign, I don't know what is!?
I will be forever grateful for this very moment!
I made an appointment with Dr. C who she suggested, straight away, soonest he could see us was in late January 2017. We went on holiday, ate lots, drank lots, slept lots - we tried hard to heal a little.
Leading up to the appointment in January I had very little expectations. I become a little numb and tried to burry my heart in a deep dark place. I was tired of being hurt. I still had my mind set on surrogacy but at the same time tried to remain open minded about the appointment. On the day we went in chatted to Dr. C, gave him a full run down of everything we had been through. He was a very professional man, poised, asked lots of questions, of which some we couldn't answer. He seemed rather shocked by everything we had been through. I was very factual, no emotions. The one big question he asked several times "are you sure you did IVF and not ICSI?", we explained we had never heard about ICSI so we were sure. He asked us to call Dr. B after the appointment and check. After the appointment I had found out from Dr. B that it was in fact ICSI not IVF - which annoyed the hell out of me, it didn't really matter but at the same time you disclose what treatment you are giving your patient!
We then went in for a scan. Not even 2 minutes in he moved the monitor and asked me if I could see this, pointing at the side walls of my uterus was small little circles, I had no idea what I was looking at but I saw it. He asked if I minded if he called his partner in. His partner came in they both pointed at the screen agreeing with each other. Mr. S and I just stared at each other in shock by this stage. WHAT COULD THEY SEE?
Suddenly it hit my like a ton of bricks, a world of emotions struck me. He asked us to meet him back in his room to discuss what he found... he found something. He explained that I had something called uterine Adenomyosis, simply put it is a condition in which the inner lining of the uterus (the endometrium) breaks through the muscle wall of the uterus (the myometrium). Little pockets of blood form in the uterus lining. When you have your menstrual cycle they try to "bleed" but they cant because they trapped amongst the muscles so this is why my entire life I suffered such severe menstrual cramps. This is also why I kept miscarrying - the uterus is basically a very unhappy place and when my cycle turned these little pockets would work over time, causing one unhappy uterus (this is my interpretation so please don't quote me on this).
I just cried and cried and cried. I couldn't hold it back. I was so strong going into this appointment yet left so weak and overwhelmed. After SO many scans over the last 2 years how could Dr. A and more importantly Dr. B not pick this up? How could Dr. C pick this up in 2 minutes and no one ever did? It was a sense of relief because I knew there was something being missed, but at the same time I was so hurt that I had put so much faith into Dr. B last year and he never bothered to look further.
What now?
Dr. C explained what he recommended as a course of treatment, as I sobbed and sobbed:
Sitting there I thought what a long process, and menopause, really? As I cried he looked at me and said are you sure you ready for this. I wasn't sure at all! He explained that we had been through a lot and maybe we needed to recover before starting this all. We explained we were so tired of waiting and we were ready. He agreed. I found out I could carry my own baby, which was something I made peace I may never do. I asked was he sure I would carry and he said this was the Rolls Royce of options and he felt pretty comfortable with it. He also explained we were lucky my Adenomyosis wasn't further along, as he had patients that is was and it meant they couldn't have children. At this moment I was so grateful this man had entered our journey. It felt so incredibly different. No way of explaining it - but for the first time in a long time I felt some sense of peace about this process. |