The year that was 2016
Part 1 - IUI
Looking back I honestly don’t know how I did it, how we survived, how our marriage survived it all. I still get heart sore and teary eyed when I think and talk about the year of 2016. But I also realise that it is a journey, it was our journey and with the good comes the bad, unfortunately… We saw Dr. B in January 2016, he did all the checks on me, all looked good. He sent us for the standard blood tests and Mr. S for sperm tests. We then had a follow up appointment. He advised that our results were pretty good. Mr. S's sperm was ok. |
We were relieved! So our fertility plan was:
Dr. B explained nothing was a guarantee but he didn’t see IUI being a problem, so we were so thrilled and we were super eager to get started and started the very next month - February. I started on the drugs, Mr. S on sperm vitamins.
Round 1 of IUI: commenced. The drugs gave me terrible dizzy spells and nausea which I took as a “sign” of pregnancy… after our first bloods, this proved to be untrue. We received a negative result. We were sad but Dr. B did tell us first round seldom takes, so we picked ourselves up and went straight into round 2.
Round 2 of IUI: back on the drugs, took everything very seriously, I stopped Crossfit (which I absolutely loved), cut the wine as much as possible and ate “clean”… we were giving this baby thing our ALL! At this stage we wanted to be parents more than anything. Only to get a 2nd call from our nurse to hear our 2nd round failed. I will never forget I was at work sitting in my office, I turned my back to the big glass window in my office that my team can see me through, with none of them aware of what I was going through and I had to gather myself and carry on, which I did. Heart sore. We decided to take a month off, then off for round 3 we went.
Round 3 of IUI: Having a few weeks to regroup we were feeling so positive, we read many articles on the 3rd round of IUI being successful and we thought "WE GOT THIS". We believed IVF was not on our cards, we just needed a little extra help and that's why IUI was for us. Turns out we needed a lot more than a little extra help. I got THAT call. Round 3 failed. We were heart broken and angry and just asking WHY… HOW…. With no answers. At this stage we had told maybe 2 or 3 people. We were and felt it... completely alone.
With each round of failed IUI it felt like a part of my heart and soul was snapped off, broken and there was no way of returning it and fixing it. It was gone. Both Mr. S and I were really broken and so sad, we didn't know how to pick ourselves up and at this stage battling to pull ourselves together, never mind be there for one another.
We had a breather, but really didn't want to take time out - I mean how could we, we already waited so long. We went to see Dr. B to find out what was wrong and why all 3 rounds of IUIs failed and what he suggested our next steps were. He explained that this was part of the process and it was time to move onto IVF. I didn’t know how to feel to be honest but we really just wanted a successful outcome so we moved onto IVF.
- Starting point was Intrauterine insemination (IUI) as Dr. B explained there was no reason to go straight to In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
- We would do a max of 3 rounds of IUI
- If these were not successful, which Dr. B didn't think would be the case, we would then discuss IVF.
Dr. B explained nothing was a guarantee but he didn’t see IUI being a problem, so we were so thrilled and we were super eager to get started and started the very next month - February. I started on the drugs, Mr. S on sperm vitamins.
Round 1 of IUI: commenced. The drugs gave me terrible dizzy spells and nausea which I took as a “sign” of pregnancy… after our first bloods, this proved to be untrue. We received a negative result. We were sad but Dr. B did tell us first round seldom takes, so we picked ourselves up and went straight into round 2.
Round 2 of IUI: back on the drugs, took everything very seriously, I stopped Crossfit (which I absolutely loved), cut the wine as much as possible and ate “clean”… we were giving this baby thing our ALL! At this stage we wanted to be parents more than anything. Only to get a 2nd call from our nurse to hear our 2nd round failed. I will never forget I was at work sitting in my office, I turned my back to the big glass window in my office that my team can see me through, with none of them aware of what I was going through and I had to gather myself and carry on, which I did. Heart sore. We decided to take a month off, then off for round 3 we went.
Round 3 of IUI: Having a few weeks to regroup we were feeling so positive, we read many articles on the 3rd round of IUI being successful and we thought "WE GOT THIS". We believed IVF was not on our cards, we just needed a little extra help and that's why IUI was for us. Turns out we needed a lot more than a little extra help. I got THAT call. Round 3 failed. We were heart broken and angry and just asking WHY… HOW…. With no answers. At this stage we had told maybe 2 or 3 people. We were and felt it... completely alone.
With each round of failed IUI it felt like a part of my heart and soul was snapped off, broken and there was no way of returning it and fixing it. It was gone. Both Mr. S and I were really broken and so sad, we didn't know how to pick ourselves up and at this stage battling to pull ourselves together, never mind be there for one another.
We had a breather, but really didn't want to take time out - I mean how could we, we already waited so long. We went to see Dr. B to find out what was wrong and why all 3 rounds of IUIs failed and what he suggested our next steps were. He explained that this was part of the process and it was time to move onto IVF. I didn’t know how to feel to be honest but we really just wanted a successful outcome so we moved onto IVF.
Part 2 - IVF
Yet again, we had no idea what we were in for, but what we did begin to realise was that we needed support, we needed to start telling people, we needed our close friends and family because doing it alone was proving to be harder than we thought. So we did and what a relief. I also told my boss so I didn’t have to keep sneaking off and going to the so called "dentist" or my yearly "gynae check-up" or having "food poisoning" the day of the procedure. I think we also realised IVF would be a lot more relentless and it needed a lot more from us in every way - emotionally, physically and spiritually.
In the interim I got offered a bursary at work to study further, which I couldn’t pass up - it was a great opportunity that if I had to decline I wouldn't get it again. It was a business course that was supposed to be a year but it was condensed in 4 months part time, so I was adamant to do it - keep my career thriving and have a baby! And so it began...
Egg retrieval: Back on the hormones - worse this time round: injections, pills - you name it. Again stopped all physical activity, drinking, back on the healthy eating – after giving myself some time off, my poor body was starting to take strain and not know if it was coming or going but onwards and upwards, "you got this body" (I would tell myself this on a daily basis). Went in for the egg retrieval and oh wow! What!?
I woke up at home that afternoon and felt like death! The pain was excruciating. After suffering my whole life with severe period pains, I was convinced I would breeze through this procedure, how bad could it be? It was bad! Mr. S was amazing, he was by my side but I think he also felt so helpless as I had to endure all the physical aspects of this. I sucked it up, went back to work the next day, on major meds and feeling like death... but I did what I had to.
The results from the retrieval were great, they managed to extract 12 eggs, of which 9 fertilized and formed little embryos. The Saturday morning we went in to hear our results and go for our first transfer, the embryologist actually came running out waving a piece of paper (seen in this pic) with our 9 embryos, with the biggest smile on her face. She said to us "it’s great!" I couldn’t hold myself back from bursting out crying. It was sheer relief.
The night before the transfer Mr. S and I had the biggest fight. I sat on the bathroom floor sobbing, not crying, sobbing thinking what am I doing, how will we get through this... why why why! I have no idea why we actually fought - it was purely stress driven. Yup we should have held each other and told each other everything will be great, but we didn't. The pressure started to become a little unbearable and yes folks, this is reality! This is what infertility does, the pressure becomes unbearable.
On the news of the 9 embryos, all tension from the night before become completely irrelevant, within a few seconds we looked at each other, relieved and suddenly - we were ready... bring on the transfer! In we went – ready to climb Everest if we had to! Transfer 1 done.
I then carried on with life but did try to relax and not get to stressed as per Doctors instructions. I was honestly so excited. I felt great. After our first bloods I got the call from my nurse, she told me we had a positive. OH MY WORD…. We were so excited. She then explained we had to always do a second test 3 days after the first, as the count has to double for a 100% positive but we were pretty convinced we had it! Second test then showed a negative…. Crash, boom, bang and there our world started to crumble down around us, yet again.
In the interim I got offered a bursary at work to study further, which I couldn’t pass up - it was a great opportunity that if I had to decline I wouldn't get it again. It was a business course that was supposed to be a year but it was condensed in 4 months part time, so I was adamant to do it - keep my career thriving and have a baby! And so it began...
Egg retrieval: Back on the hormones - worse this time round: injections, pills - you name it. Again stopped all physical activity, drinking, back on the healthy eating – after giving myself some time off, my poor body was starting to take strain and not know if it was coming or going but onwards and upwards, "you got this body" (I would tell myself this on a daily basis). Went in for the egg retrieval and oh wow! What!?
I woke up at home that afternoon and felt like death! The pain was excruciating. After suffering my whole life with severe period pains, I was convinced I would breeze through this procedure, how bad could it be? It was bad! Mr. S was amazing, he was by my side but I think he also felt so helpless as I had to endure all the physical aspects of this. I sucked it up, went back to work the next day, on major meds and feeling like death... but I did what I had to.
The results from the retrieval were great, they managed to extract 12 eggs, of which 9 fertilized and formed little embryos. The Saturday morning we went in to hear our results and go for our first transfer, the embryologist actually came running out waving a piece of paper (seen in this pic) with our 9 embryos, with the biggest smile on her face. She said to us "it’s great!" I couldn’t hold myself back from bursting out crying. It was sheer relief.
The night before the transfer Mr. S and I had the biggest fight. I sat on the bathroom floor sobbing, not crying, sobbing thinking what am I doing, how will we get through this... why why why! I have no idea why we actually fought - it was purely stress driven. Yup we should have held each other and told each other everything will be great, but we didn't. The pressure started to become a little unbearable and yes folks, this is reality! This is what infertility does, the pressure becomes unbearable.
On the news of the 9 embryos, all tension from the night before become completely irrelevant, within a few seconds we looked at each other, relieved and suddenly - we were ready... bring on the transfer! In we went – ready to climb Everest if we had to! Transfer 1 done.
I then carried on with life but did try to relax and not get to stressed as per Doctors instructions. I was honestly so excited. I felt great. After our first bloods I got the call from my nurse, she told me we had a positive. OH MY WORD…. We were so excited. She then explained we had to always do a second test 3 days after the first, as the count has to double for a 100% positive but we were pretty convinced we had it! Second test then showed a negative…. Crash, boom, bang and there our world started to crumble down around us, yet again.
Part 3 - Transfer 2
I was honestly so depressed and heartbroken after transfer 1 failed. Mr. S really wanted answers... a sense of comfort, he Googled for days and every blog he read said first IVF transfer seldom takes, and in our follow up with Dr. B he said the same.
But there it was, another little piece of my soul breaking off and being destroyed forever.
Again, went into transfer 2, this was in September so bearing in mind at this stage we had been through:
Many people would say to us:
This time around I decided to go for acupuncture as I read amazing things about it aiding fertility treatment. I found an acupuncturist close to work, who was also a homeopath. He suggested a few herbal and Chinese meds to support the treatment. At this stage if you told me to go to the moon, stand on my head for 10 days and eat grass through a straw I would…. So I tried the meds he suggested. I also decided to talk a week off work after the transfer this time around to make 100% sure I was taking it easy. No stress!
But there it was, another little piece of my soul breaking off and being destroyed forever.
Again, went into transfer 2, this was in September so bearing in mind at this stage we had been through:
- 3 rounds of IUI
- 1 egg retrieval
- 1 IVF transfer, going into the second.
Many people would say to us:
- “Take a break”
- “It often happens when you stop trying”
- "Just go out, get drunk and have fun... it will happen"
This time around I decided to go for acupuncture as I read amazing things about it aiding fertility treatment. I found an acupuncturist close to work, who was also a homeopath. He suggested a few herbal and Chinese meds to support the treatment. At this stage if you told me to go to the moon, stand on my head for 10 days and eat grass through a straw I would…. So I tried the meds he suggested. I also decided to talk a week off work after the transfer this time around to make 100% sure I was taking it easy. No stress!
Day 10 after transfer arrived, first blood test time. I was in lectures and I got the call for the results - a good positive count, but we knew not to get to excited after the last experience. Second bloods a positive… OMG! BUT... they said it hadn’t doubled so in another 3 days I had to go for ANOTHER TEST. Like the waiting for the last 10 days+3+3(16 days at this point) wasn’t long enough, so we did. In the mean time I started getting period pains and spotting.
REALLY? I think at this point I knew. But I didn't give up hope. I called my nurse and they upped my dose of Progesterone, said not to panic many people have full period and they still positive, but just go for third blood test. I then didn’t take anything for my pain incase, and I prayed harder than I had ever before, please may I be pregnant. Three days later… I was in class on a Saturday and nurse called, said it was positive but still not as high as it should be.
ARE YOU KIDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
So I said no man… what now!? I asked if I could come in for a scan - I insisted they needed to physically check now as something was not right. I could feel it! But she insisted, they wanted ANOTHER SET OF BLOODS IN 3 DAYS. HAVE YOU EVER!?!?!? We were now at day 19 after the embryo transfer. We were so over it, hadn’t slept, tried to relax, couldn’t, I was still spotting and and and. ENOUGH!
Fourth set of bloods, longest wait of my life, count had completely dropped - NEGATIVE. I miscarried. I was beyond heartbroken to be honest. Lost. Shattered. Empty.
REALLY? I think at this point I knew. But I didn't give up hope. I called my nurse and they upped my dose of Progesterone, said not to panic many people have full period and they still positive, but just go for third blood test. I then didn’t take anything for my pain incase, and I prayed harder than I had ever before, please may I be pregnant. Three days later… I was in class on a Saturday and nurse called, said it was positive but still not as high as it should be.
ARE YOU KIDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
So I said no man… what now!? I asked if I could come in for a scan - I insisted they needed to physically check now as something was not right. I could feel it! But she insisted, they wanted ANOTHER SET OF BLOODS IN 3 DAYS. HAVE YOU EVER!?!?!? We were now at day 19 after the embryo transfer. We were so over it, hadn’t slept, tried to relax, couldn’t, I was still spotting and and and. ENOUGH!
Fourth set of bloods, longest wait of my life, count had completely dropped - NEGATIVE. I miscarried. I was beyond heartbroken to be honest. Lost. Shattered. Empty.
Part 4 - Transfer 3
I was done. It started to show, the cracks started to show externally, never mind what I felt like internally. I was in a meeting, had to present a plan... something I did all the time and something struck me, I suddenly got insanely nervous and it sucker punched me. I had a full on panic attack. I had to leave the meeting, I couldn't breathe. Got into my car and I just cried... and cried and cried. It actually created a fear in me and suddenly this confident woman had become a mess. I still to this day face a fear of talking in meetings because of this incident. I felt like not only was I failing in becoming a mom but I was also failing in my career, which was the one thing in my life I could always count on.
I really was hopeless. Mr. S. still had a little fight left in him. He went to go see Dr. B and our nurse to chat about what was going wrong. We agreed they were missing something. Something had to be wrong. Dr. B explained this was par for the course and there was nothing wrong. He suggested we try a endometrial scratch (scrape) as the medical findings of this improving fertility were great. Then go into transfer 3. Mr. S found hope in a slightly different approach, as always did his research and there were great findings on the scrape.
We discussed this and agreed this would be the last. I had almost nothing left in me to give... almost. That last bit was left for this. Off I went for the scrape, at this point a little more poking and prodding meant very little to me. How did it feel - I didn't feel much, in the sense that I was pretty shut down at this stage. So it was fine. Means to an end. I know the question comes to mind, why didn't you take a break, give yourself time to heal. The answer is still... desperation. Would a few months really change anything? It would mean we would both be a year older, and age was something we already started to feel the pressure of.
There it was groundhog day. Transfer 3. Same as before:
I really was hopeless. Mr. S. still had a little fight left in him. He went to go see Dr. B and our nurse to chat about what was going wrong. We agreed they were missing something. Something had to be wrong. Dr. B explained this was par for the course and there was nothing wrong. He suggested we try a endometrial scratch (scrape) as the medical findings of this improving fertility were great. Then go into transfer 3. Mr. S found hope in a slightly different approach, as always did his research and there were great findings on the scrape.
We discussed this and agreed this would be the last. I had almost nothing left in me to give... almost. That last bit was left for this. Off I went for the scrape, at this point a little more poking and prodding meant very little to me. How did it feel - I didn't feel much, in the sense that I was pretty shut down at this stage. So it was fine. Means to an end. I know the question comes to mind, why didn't you take a break, give yourself time to heal. The answer is still... desperation. Would a few months really change anything? It would mean we would both be a year older, and age was something we already started to feel the pressure of.
There it was groundhog day. Transfer 3. Same as before:
- Blood test 1: positive
- Blood test 2: positive
- Blood test 3: Miscarriage