Monday, 10 April
I am feeling a lot better since my last bump in the road. I had a few sessions with my psychologist which has really helped. So now its time. We went for our first scan ahead of the egg retrieval last Friday morning. They just check the lining of the uterus, it must be nice and thin at this stage, and then the ovaries, they check that there are no cysts because they start with the egg stimulation meds and if you have any cysts they could potentially get so big that they actually burst from the meds. But all is good so started the meds on Saturday. What is interesting is that he puts us both on a course of antibiotics and an antifungal which we never did before… can only be good.
Feeling a little nervous ha ha but all good at the same time. Good to be starting the process. Quite nervous about the egg retrieval, it was REALLY sore last time which I didn’t expect at all. I remember lying on my couch not being able to move and had to go back to work the next day and act ok because I told them I went in “for a small procedure”. Overall I am feeling better. I have had a few good sessions with my psychologist - I think we all need a little perspective in life! I have been seeing her for about 6 years now, on and off, when life gets a little unbearable and she really just helps me DEAL. I really hate feeling weak, it kills me in everyway so this process really has tested me in this area and I think its exactly why I started having panic attacks, because I have no idea how to be weak (well its not weak, I call it weak, its actually just a little more vulnerable) and I now realise its actually ok. Showee this process ain't for sissies is all I can say! It has tested me in EVERY way possible.
I have also started being a little healthier, really adamant to loose 10kgs before IVF day in 3/4 months. One of the toughest parts about this journey for me has been the weight gain. I worked REALLY hard to lose weight and get into shape before this process began, and last year I really just had to let it go. The hormones have their own mind in this body of mine, which I always tell myself "its ok". I have also really battled with fitness which was a huge part of my life. The on off, on off, because of the procedures has been hectic because as you get better and fitter you take 2 or 3 weeks off and come back and start all over again. But, it’s for a greater cause which I always try keep top of mind. But it wasn’t easy last year when I had people asking “are you pregnant” because my boobs were so huge and others say “wow you have gained weight”. All the things you really want to hear *sarcasm* any who! Onwards and upwards! So I really want to try loose a little before I fall pregnant… yes before I fall pregnant because I WILL FALL PREGNANT! But let’s see the “menopause” may have a plan of its own. But we shall persevere!
Next scan is Thursday to check how the meds (stimulation injections) are working and if we have eggs.
Feeling a little nervous ha ha but all good at the same time. Good to be starting the process. Quite nervous about the egg retrieval, it was REALLY sore last time which I didn’t expect at all. I remember lying on my couch not being able to move and had to go back to work the next day and act ok because I told them I went in “for a small procedure”. Overall I am feeling better. I have had a few good sessions with my psychologist - I think we all need a little perspective in life! I have been seeing her for about 6 years now, on and off, when life gets a little unbearable and she really just helps me DEAL. I really hate feeling weak, it kills me in everyway so this process really has tested me in this area and I think its exactly why I started having panic attacks, because I have no idea how to be weak (well its not weak, I call it weak, its actually just a little more vulnerable) and I now realise its actually ok. Showee this process ain't for sissies is all I can say! It has tested me in EVERY way possible.
I have also started being a little healthier, really adamant to loose 10kgs before IVF day in 3/4 months. One of the toughest parts about this journey for me has been the weight gain. I worked REALLY hard to lose weight and get into shape before this process began, and last year I really just had to let it go. The hormones have their own mind in this body of mine, which I always tell myself "its ok". I have also really battled with fitness which was a huge part of my life. The on off, on off, because of the procedures has been hectic because as you get better and fitter you take 2 or 3 weeks off and come back and start all over again. But, it’s for a greater cause which I always try keep top of mind. But it wasn’t easy last year when I had people asking “are you pregnant” because my boobs were so huge and others say “wow you have gained weight”. All the things you really want to hear *sarcasm* any who! Onwards and upwards! So I really want to try loose a little before I fall pregnant… yes before I fall pregnant because I WILL FALL PREGNANT! But let’s see the “menopause” may have a plan of its own. But we shall persevere!
Next scan is Thursday to check how the meds (stimulation injections) are working and if we have eggs.
Thursday, 13 April
WE HAVE EGGS
Exciting day… scan showed we have eggs. Great news ahead of Easter Weekend!
Looking good, 9 eggs in total for now which is great, right side doing well with 6.
Ovaries feeling heavy at this stage.
Doing 2 more days of stimulation meds and another scan on Saturday and last scan next week Tuesday.
I feel very positive.
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
Saturdays scan went very well. Looked like 13 eggs... happy dance! But todays scan experience was not so much a happy dance...
I told Mr. S not to worry about coming with me as its quite a long wait and all was good. We were both in such a good place after Saturday. So as always I waited for my scan, went in when they called my name. The same Doctor that scanned me on Saturday scanned me again, he went to my right ovary and said "1" and left and said "3 or 4"..... I GASPED!? Sorry what? I explained on Saturday we had 13 and now there are maybe 5. I asked how this was possible. He looked concerned and explained the reason could be that I have ovulated. So I asked what this meant and he said we couldn't proceed with egg retrieval but I must not worry, he will send me for bloods straight away that will confirm. But I must also bear in mind that with the eggs often some fall out, new ones come in, so it could also be normal.
He could see I was holding back tears with all my might and told me not to worry. But really!? I felt so good and felt like this process was FINALLY going our way and the BOOM... it all came crashing down. It took my all to keep it together. Off I went for bloods and had to sit and wait for my results to come in. 2 hours later.
While sitting in reception all these negative thoughts came rushing in, the blame game began... maybe the glass of wine I had at Easter lunch was the reason... I had discomfort the day before so basically convinced myself it was done. I had ovulated. All these thoughts bought about even more emotion. I sat in reception really fighting back tears constantly. Next thing a divine lady sat next to me and somehow we started chatting and she explained why she was there and asked why I was there, before I could get any words out I burst out crying... I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I then made this poor lady cry. But she really was the angel I needed. We sat and chatted and shared our stories, both cried a little. She really just gave me that little bit of comfort I needed.
My nurse then called me up, I was ready for her to give me the bad news. When I reached her, she said great go get your script - which was for my meds to prepare for Thursdays egg retrieval. I burst out crying. I didn't expect good news at all. Yup I was that lady standing in a reception full of people balling my eyes out. But I was so relieved. Shame my poor nurse just gave me the biggest hug.
Today just proved to me that you actually just never know, there really are no guarantees in the process. It also proved how used to bad news I am and how I automatically prepare myself for the worst. But it wasn't the worst. So we are prepped and ready for Thursday with 6 good follicle eggs. Little nervous about the number to be honest. If I think back, my first egg retrieval last year we extracted 12 eggs... double. But heck look where that good us. Right now I just need 1 or 2 good healthy little embryos so hear is to praying for just that.
I told Mr. S not to worry about coming with me as its quite a long wait and all was good. We were both in such a good place after Saturday. So as always I waited for my scan, went in when they called my name. The same Doctor that scanned me on Saturday scanned me again, he went to my right ovary and said "1" and left and said "3 or 4"..... I GASPED!? Sorry what? I explained on Saturday we had 13 and now there are maybe 5. I asked how this was possible. He looked concerned and explained the reason could be that I have ovulated. So I asked what this meant and he said we couldn't proceed with egg retrieval but I must not worry, he will send me for bloods straight away that will confirm. But I must also bear in mind that with the eggs often some fall out, new ones come in, so it could also be normal.
He could see I was holding back tears with all my might and told me not to worry. But really!? I felt so good and felt like this process was FINALLY going our way and the BOOM... it all came crashing down. It took my all to keep it together. Off I went for bloods and had to sit and wait for my results to come in. 2 hours later.
While sitting in reception all these negative thoughts came rushing in, the blame game began... maybe the glass of wine I had at Easter lunch was the reason... I had discomfort the day before so basically convinced myself it was done. I had ovulated. All these thoughts bought about even more emotion. I sat in reception really fighting back tears constantly. Next thing a divine lady sat next to me and somehow we started chatting and she explained why she was there and asked why I was there, before I could get any words out I burst out crying... I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. I then made this poor lady cry. But she really was the angel I needed. We sat and chatted and shared our stories, both cried a little. She really just gave me that little bit of comfort I needed.
My nurse then called me up, I was ready for her to give me the bad news. When I reached her, she said great go get your script - which was for my meds to prepare for Thursdays egg retrieval. I burst out crying. I didn't expect good news at all. Yup I was that lady standing in a reception full of people balling my eyes out. But I was so relieved. Shame my poor nurse just gave me the biggest hug.
Today just proved to me that you actually just never know, there really are no guarantees in the process. It also proved how used to bad news I am and how I automatically prepare myself for the worst. But it wasn't the worst. So we are prepped and ready for Thursday with 6 good follicle eggs. Little nervous about the number to be honest. If I think back, my first egg retrieval last year we extracted 12 eggs... double. But heck look where that good us. Right now I just need 1 or 2 good healthy little embryos so hear is to praying for just that.
Egg Retrieval, Thursday 20 April
All went well. We got 6 eggs yay! They performed ICSI on them with Mr. S's sperm. So it was a big day for us both. Physically it was just as sore as last year. I was man down and only woke up at 15h00 (went in at 09h00).
Monday, 8 May
We are happy 5 of the 6 embryos survived and are very good quality. They have now gone for genetic testing, we get results next week Wednesday. CAN NOT WAIT! But at the same time we are so anxious and almost in limbo. We don't want to be to excited... we so used to bad news so on the other end of the scale we preparing for the worst news, which also isn't healthy so on the other end of the scale we excited and positive. Such a push and pull.
Just in terms of the genetic testing (read more via this link), this is the first time we had done this and its honestly mind blowing. I was blown away that this was even possible. Modern medicine is incredible! Even for all the naturalists out there, there is a time and place for such interventions.
After egg retrieval I went on the pill. Which has made me feel fab... NOT! Not sure if its that or all the hormones in prep for egg retrieval but showee haven't had a great 2 weeks of fitness. Have literally felt like I have no fitness whatsoever... so that's been rather discouraging. But I have to keep on keeping on! I have health and weight loss goals to achieve so gotta keep pushing!
So next is genetic testing results...
Just in terms of the genetic testing (read more via this link), this is the first time we had done this and its honestly mind blowing. I was blown away that this was even possible. Modern medicine is incredible! Even for all the naturalists out there, there is a time and place for such interventions.
After egg retrieval I went on the pill. Which has made me feel fab... NOT! Not sure if its that or all the hormones in prep for egg retrieval but showee haven't had a great 2 weeks of fitness. Have literally felt like I have no fitness whatsoever... so that's been rather discouraging. But I have to keep on keeping on! I have health and weight loss goals to achieve so gotta keep pushing!
So next is genetic testing results...
Thursday, 18 May
Yesterday was D-day for genetic testing results and to discuss next steps with Dr. C. My word talk about one hell of an anxious week its been. I had such a bad nights sleep, woke up at 2am and couldn't get back to sleep, my mind was racing... what if none of the 5 are good, what then, is that why we had such bad results last year, what if? what if? what if? I was a little bit of wreck, ok maybe a lot, the entire morning ahead of our appointment. Sitting and waiting for the doctor poor Mr. S was also taking huge strain!
Off we went into the Doctors room and he seemed a little stressed which really concerned me. Anyway he gave us the results, 2 of the 5 were good. The other 3 showed abnormalities such as too many or too little of certain chromosomes. He explained 2 is a good ratio and on par with my age. We decided to not find out the sex, yip it even gives you the sex, because everything else is so planned, one surprise would be great!
So we had 2... I felt and still do feel incredibly blessed. I mean I don't know how I would ever have coped if he had said none were viable. But at the same time I was still a little nervous and anxious as in my mind leading up to this I said over and over that 3 would be the perfect scenario as then I could use 2 for the transfer in 3 months and if they didn't work we had 1 as a back up. So my heart was set on 2. But now... 2 was a game changer. It means if we use 2 we have between 58-80% chance of falling pregnant and 90% chance of twins but should we fall outside of the 58-80% chance we would have absolutely no back up plan and would have to start the entire process again. If we use 1, we would still fall within the 58-80% chance of falling pregnant with 0,08% chance of twins, but we would have a back up should we not fall within this.
There will be SO many opinions here - just give it your all and do both! Or don't be stupid why risk it be safe and do 1.
The truth is no opinion can change what I felt, truthfully more than anything I want twins. I often felt very guilty about this, almost like I was being greedy! But we want at least 2 children and the thought of doing this all over again in 2 or 3 years when we ready for number 2 made me feel completely frightened, sick to the stomach and my body go numb. So at this point I was willing to risk it all to be honest. Mr. S is more in favor of the safer option (1).
But, I am told myself to TRY not over think it. We have 10 weeks to decide.
Next step was menopause, I giggled every time I said it. Next week I was due to get a jab, yup 1 jab that put me into menopause for 3 months - well just under around 10 weeks, we then scrape and scan to check my lining and then we start meds to prep for the transfer. HA HA so bring on the hot flushes LOL I have been forewarned these are bad ha ha oh well its winter and seriously I think I have dealt with worse things than hot flushes so bring it on! And on the bright side - sorry this is a little over share, no period for 3 months, followed by another potential 9 months HELL YEAH!!!!
So yes its again one step closer which we honestly feel so ready for and so so blessed to have made it this far in every sense - emotionally, physically, by Gods grace, financially, with the amazing support of those seriously special people around us and I am actually just crying as I type this because of how truly blessed I feel.
Off we went into the Doctors room and he seemed a little stressed which really concerned me. Anyway he gave us the results, 2 of the 5 were good. The other 3 showed abnormalities such as too many or too little of certain chromosomes. He explained 2 is a good ratio and on par with my age. We decided to not find out the sex, yip it even gives you the sex, because everything else is so planned, one surprise would be great!
So we had 2... I felt and still do feel incredibly blessed. I mean I don't know how I would ever have coped if he had said none were viable. But at the same time I was still a little nervous and anxious as in my mind leading up to this I said over and over that 3 would be the perfect scenario as then I could use 2 for the transfer in 3 months and if they didn't work we had 1 as a back up. So my heart was set on 2. But now... 2 was a game changer. It means if we use 2 we have between 58-80% chance of falling pregnant and 90% chance of twins but should we fall outside of the 58-80% chance we would have absolutely no back up plan and would have to start the entire process again. If we use 1, we would still fall within the 58-80% chance of falling pregnant with 0,08% chance of twins, but we would have a back up should we not fall within this.
There will be SO many opinions here - just give it your all and do both! Or don't be stupid why risk it be safe and do 1.
The truth is no opinion can change what I felt, truthfully more than anything I want twins. I often felt very guilty about this, almost like I was being greedy! But we want at least 2 children and the thought of doing this all over again in 2 or 3 years when we ready for number 2 made me feel completely frightened, sick to the stomach and my body go numb. So at this point I was willing to risk it all to be honest. Mr. S is more in favor of the safer option (1).
But, I am told myself to TRY not over think it. We have 10 weeks to decide.
Next step was menopause, I giggled every time I said it. Next week I was due to get a jab, yup 1 jab that put me into menopause for 3 months - well just under around 10 weeks, we then scrape and scan to check my lining and then we start meds to prep for the transfer. HA HA so bring on the hot flushes LOL I have been forewarned these are bad ha ha oh well its winter and seriously I think I have dealt with worse things than hot flushes so bring it on! And on the bright side - sorry this is a little over share, no period for 3 months, followed by another potential 9 months HELL YEAH!!!!
So yes its again one step closer which we honestly feel so ready for and so so blessed to have made it this far in every sense - emotionally, physically, by Gods grace, financially, with the amazing support of those seriously special people around us and I am actually just crying as I type this because of how truly blessed I feel.